They are confused, aggressive, let out ear piercing howls and sometimes bite. While it seems I am describing a captive wild animal, I am actually describing a human toddler.
Remember those “I survived ___” t-shirts? I want one that says “I survived a toddler”. I may be exaggerating just a little bit, but those days were rough for us. My child was a screamer, there was no discreet way of disguising his meltdowns despite my best efforts. On the positive side, I always knew where he was because of the shrieking. The other aspect that comforted me somewhat is knowing that tantrums, anger, and aggression are completely normal in toddlers. That is because they are still developing the skills they need to express their thoughts, feelings and needs. Not to mention they got used to being waited on hand and foot in their first year of life. This new phase is difficult for both child and parent. Although he was still so little, my toddler dominated my life. But this “domination” wasn’t the same as when he was an all-absorbing newborn- it was in a different and even frustrating kind of way. At moments I felt I shouldn’t leave the house with my boy because of the wild meltdowns. So the question was, how would my sweet child and I get through this phase together?
Children between 2-3 years of age are called Toddlers because they walk toddling unsteadily. We’ve all heard of the difficult stage dubbed the “terrible twos” but I think that in reality it last from around 18 months to almost 4 years of age when little ones have learned the words and skill they need to express themselves with words. The term “terrible twos” reminds me of the poorly named “morning sickness’’ which for me lasted all day long during the first trimester of pregnancy. Looking back now, my child’s toddler-phase was such a short period in the span of things but there were times that I felt that it would never end.
For myself, I didn’t realize how exhausting living with a toddler could be and at the time I thought that my child was particularly difficult. In retrospect, he was just a normal toddler. When my little dear was smaller, he was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He would turn from the cutest, roundest, most kissable and huggable tiny human into an irate, unyielding little stinker-pants. His emotions were so strong, he needed my help to rein them in and at first I didn’t know what to do. I do not claim to be an expert in childrearing, but I learned invaluable lessons with my sweet baby and I want to share my experience.
6 lessons I learned when my child was a toddler
1. You are the boss, you are in control
First and foremost, it is important to remember who is the adult, who lovingly makes the rules. As much as toddlers will press our buttons, it is us as parents that set boundaries and need to stay consistent. We are like an anchor for our kids. Calm consistency helps them see they can rely on us. Our job is to kindly help our child to regulate their emotions when they feel like the world is conspiring against them. Not to forget, we are the example our child is learning from, so if we overreact to a child’s tantrum it could give the impression that even adults have tantrums and it’s a normal daily activity for everyone.*
2. They need breaks
I think we can often sense when our child needs a break, take advantage of this intuition and duck out before the meltdown starts to rear its ugly head. A little quiet time does wonders. When it was possible, I would try to control the environment as much as was in my power. This meant anticipating hunger, tiredness, and anything else that may lead to a meltdown. I often felt that my son’s strong emotions came on quite suddenly, but that most likely was not the case. For example, if on occasion we were out with friends, I was probably too busy enjoying myself that I didn’t notice his demeanor changing. After realizing this pattern, I was more attentive.
3. Choose your battles
There is a time and a place for everything and occasionally there were moments that I could let my kid have the freedom to do whatever he wanted. As long as no one was getting harmed or very inconvenienced, of course. If my child wanted to lay on the ground in the middle of the playground that wasn’t as big of a deal as laying on the ground in the middle of a lineup at the grocery store. On occasion, I would worry that people would get upset with me because of something that my child was doing, but to be honest, most normal people don’t actually get mad at the little things small children do and a lot of the time they’ve “been there done that” with their own kids. That’s why I would say, If it’s not that big of a deal, let it slide.
Another thing that saved us a lot of grief was child-proofing our home. We would do this by putting things my toddler was not allowed to play with (phones, laptops, glasses, keys, medicine, cleaning products, etc.) in a high spot or somewhere out of sight. As they say, out of sight out of toddler’s mind. Save your strength for things that really do need to be addressed. Hitting, biting, hair-pulling and other harmful aggressions need to be dealt with promptly.
4. Praise what is good
Praising a toddler’s good behavior encourages them to keep up the good work. They feel proud of themselves and this grows their confidence. My boy absolutely loved and continues to love helping me bake and with other tasks in the kitchen. He helps make guacamole and other kid-friendly jobs. It‘s true, it used to take longer to get things done, but he would feel so good to help me and later enjoy the fruits of our labour. It would make me feel good to see him having fun and learning a new skill. Sharing, being patient and other virtuous qualities got commendation.
5. Give them choices in little things
Anyone with a toddler is very familiar with the phrase: “I want to do it!” and every toddler’s favourite word: “no!” Toddlers want more independence and crave control. Letting my toddler choose what book we would read or which pair of socks he wanted to wear would give him that sense of control that he wanted. The results of his choices were not of any consequence in the big scheme of things, but to him they were important because he got to make the decision.
6. Be open-minded and positive
As my child grew and changed, I did too. I had to look at things from another perspective. Having a positive point of view helped me to see that my child wasn’t a monster, he was a very little kid that was still learning. Humans beings are born with a conscience and other inherit qualities; however, it is easy to forget that a small child is new to most experiences and needs to be lovingly taught how to do even some simple things. These sweet little babies are molded by the experiences we give to them.
I learned that toddler’s meltdowns and tantrums are developmentally normal. No matter what I did as a parent, a toddler is still a toddler. Let’s be real, even as adults we have difficulty with our emotions from time to time. Despite our best efforts, no one is a perfect parent. No matter our age we are all learning. Now I get to look forward to his teenage years.
This post is about my personal experience and what I learned as a toddler mother** If you’d like to share your experience please comment below.
If you are concerned that your toddler is more aggressive or angry than what you consider normal, check out this link.
*It goes without saying, under no circumstances should a child be harmed because we have lost our patience.
**Disclaimer: I am not an expert in parenting. I am a mother of a child that has outgrown his toddler years. In this post I wanted to share lessons that I learned when my child was a toddler and what helped me raise him with patience and love despite this sometimes difficult developmental stage.
